Cheating in an addicted brain

In cases where the cheater has an addictive process, the cheating is about being turned on. An addicted brain seeks a high level of stimulation in order to feel ‘normal’. Since they are so accustomed to being stimulated, they want to stay stimulated or ‘turned on’. They often do things in an extreme way in order to feel ‘normal’. They do not see what they are doing as ‘extreme’. They see what they do as a way to feel normal.

To illustrate how the addicted brain works, let us consider a thermostat. For most of us, we set it, the heating or cooling system then responds. For the addicted brain, they need more higher (or lower) temperatures to feel normal. Whereas most people have a ‘range’ of behavior they consider as ‘normal’. With the addicted brain, the range of what is considered ‘normal’ is more extreme. With their thermostat set different, their brain works harder to provide the stimulation they need. The addicted person does not evaluate the extreme temperatures, they evaluate their actions on whether or not they feel normal.

So instead of saying 95 degrees is too hot for the heater or 65 is too low for the air conditioner, they ignore the degree setting, focusing instead on whether they feel ‘alright’. They also want to get to those feelings as fast as possible.

The generational cheater

The mind of a generational cheater works different. With people that have grown up around cheating, they have grown accustomed to it. They see ‘cheating’ as acceptable behavior since it is what they are used to. The idea of being committed to someone exclusively strikes them as ‘weird’ and abnormal. For them, this is the way that relationships work. This is what is expected of men and women.

The womanizer (seductress) cheater

When a cheater has a long history of sexual activity, they often look at cheating differently. They are accustomed to sexual activity being a natural part of male-female interaction. They have often become so accustomed to flirting and seduction, it has become second nature. The smooth talking comes naturally. They are so used to their seductive ways, they assume that that is the only way they are used to dealing with the opposite sex. Members of the opposite sex are viewed as challenges rather than as people to talk to. When they are stimulated by someone, their mind immediately proceeds to assess how to seduce them

Now that cell phones take video and cameras are very small, taking videos of cheaters is much easier. Not only is it easier, the videos can be uploaded to public sites and distributed to acquaintances easily. The ease of use brings the danger of shaming on a public basis. Rather than using rumors to bring shame, now you can email a video to your pastor or cheater’s boss with just a few clicks. This ease of shaming raises serious concerns for the relationship.

Although you may feel justified in shaming your spouse, have you considered the long term consequences? Material posted on the internet stays around and is archived. Even material that you may take down from a site has likely been recorded at another location. The material has a long tail that can follow a person for a lifetime.

In previous generations, after an episode was exposed and dealt with, it was over. In today’s world, you can not escape a public shaming. The shaming carries with it a ripple effect. It impacts you, your children, and your family. You may temporarily feel good about humiliating them, but the damage will not end after they repent and the relationship is restored. Because the cheating video is on the sites, it is up for the world to see, snicker and laugh at. Long after an affair is over, people will still snicker at what occurred.
The shaming may allow you to vent your anger, but it also creates a permanent record. Any future employers can find the video. It damages reputations long after the even has ended. Although the event is over, the embarrassment remains. It uses an electronic permanent marker that stains your spouse. It takes your private business and allows the world into your life. What should have been handled privately is not a global event.

Although it can be done, it is not something that should be done. In previous generations, a person could move to a new town and start their lives over. With the advent of the internet, that is not so easy. Any hopes of having a ‘fresh’ start will be stained by the video you uploaded to YouTube in your anger.

Although he was referring to his smuggling, the statement applies to marriages as well, including yours. There are people who stand to make money with the dissolution of your marriage and will push you in that direction. The breaking apart of your marriage is a boon to some people, who benefit from the destruction of your family. Although they may advertise themselves as your benefactor, they make more money the longer the issues drag on and conflicts continue.

Who are these people? Private Investigators, lawyers and courts others stand to gain financially with the break-up of your marriage and family. These professions know that their bread and butter is based on break-ups of marriages.

Some lawyers and private investigators may attempt to ‘save’ your marriage, or appear to have your best interest in mind with their suggestions. They may refer to themselves as “your advocate” or wanting your best interest. When a person is hurting, they are also vulnerable to the persuasion of such persons. When you are in a vulnerable spot, you are more vulnerable to people in positions of power.

By claiming that they are ‘saving’ you marriage or ‘protecting you’, they will want more money to either find more information out about your spouse or advance the divorce. One way to stop a divorce is to stop paying for the lawyers involved. The faster you seem to pay them, the more the divorce drags on.

Before you swallow what they tell you, about ‘protecting you’ or taking care of what is rightfully yours, there are some things to consider. The main thing is to consider is the Latin term “cui bono?” or ‘who benefits?’. Who is actually going to benefit from your heartache? Who is actually considering your best interest both short and long term as well as the impact on your children and family? Many times, the actions suggested focus on short term benefits, rather than long term impact.

The lawyers may help you legally end the marriage, but that does little to end the hurt. Once the court case is settled, they are out of your life, until you pay them again. You may obtain fast results from your lawyer, but that does not mean that the issues are resolved or that they are over. The pain of the relationship remains like a haunting memory that will not go away.

The children and extended family will face the loss of the broken marriage for many years to come. Divorce often forces children to take sides and create unnatural loyalties and alliances that devastate communication.

The painful memory of divorce is a hurt that keeps on hurting. With each holiday and special day in the family, you will be reminded of the divorce and its aftermath. Every family get together will be changed by what happens in the court room. The divorce will end the marriage, but the hurt will continue. Any unresolved issues remain unresolved.

So before you go rushing out to ‘end’ the marriage, consider how it will benefit you and who will actually benefit from the dissolution of your marriage.

With such a ‘stand off’, each party often justifies their position by emphasizing their innocence and the wrongs that were done to them. Both sides want to play the role of the ‘victim’. In situations where they focus on the wrongs they endured, they attempt taking the moral high ground through maintaining self-righteous positions. They may even bring religion or preachers into the situation in order to prove they are the one that is ‘right’. They believe that they are in the ‘right’, refusing to make the first move. They often use scripture to justify their position and make them feel good about what they have done. Such actions are a misuse of scripture.
You may very well be right on the morality of what occurred, yet be wrong on the attitude you are using in dealing with matters.

By insisting that you are ‘right’ and they are ‘wrong’ you may be alienating them from ever wanting to draw close to you in the future. When you make it painful for them to be close to you, they will resist any future intimacy.

The saying “You can be right or be in relationship” holds the key to these situations. They can spend their energy maintaining their rightness or do what it takes to repair the relationship and improve their marriage. Which do you want to be —being ‘right’ or being back in relationship with your spouse?